All seems right in the world.

It would be nice, however, if the DSL man would appear before his scheduled thursday visit to hook my internet up. Getting this sidekick to tether... not happening so much. Of course, ill probably get it going something like wednesday night or thursday morning. Meh.

ONNA THESE DAYS...

To-Do-
-finish moving: laundry, foodstuffs, random bullshit
-proposition Deborah for graphical design-work
-apply to sell TVs at Best Buy/Sears, because I know far too much about consumer electronics to not get paid for it
-cook up some internets: AMAZINGNESS IS REQUIRED!
-jew-out ISP for more speed for less
-stop flaking out
-stop being so wretched with timing
-oh right, school.

A harrowing week so far, but the end is nearly here.

The moon seemed blinding last night, and tonight it's actually full.
My brain has been doing that thing where it sees relevance in like 6785043728905432 different things today, and everything I've tried to read to mitigate it only reinforces these connections.

You know, as crazy as I feel this symbolic perception makes me, it trends to work out, so I guess it's about fucking time I seized the day.

iPad faults:
-glorified iPhone without the phone
-NOT A REAL COMPUTER!

Tomorrow is friday, working 12 hours then building a TV stand.
Looking forward to saturday

I opened this up last night but I never was able to procure meaningful thoughts from my brain. Even though I was up until 3am, and a statistics test at 845 this morning. Took the shrink-wrap off the book around 1:30am and I think I studied too much.

I had a manicure around lunch, and I think I might be addicted now. This is the first time, but the feeling is rather... amazing, for lack of a better word.

Was feeling rather hollow (still am to an extent) earlier today, and I caved and played that Demoiselles de Rochefort CD. Mind = blown.

It seems that, I become at least one million times more sensitive to dietary modifications in the winter than I do in the summer. Need to work on that variety without decay.

My brain feels solidified, like a concrete block. Strange.
The gears that are typically borderline-out-of-control, the ones in the front of my head that crank on the craziness, don't even feel like they're moving. It's terrifying, but relieving, sort of. Kind of a let-down at what it could be, and social interaction feels significantly less terrorizing, but it's just like, real relaxed. It feels incredibly foreign to my typically high-strung self.
But perhaps I need to stop ignoring my freedom, once again. That is to say, that I can be terrorizingly amazing, perhaps. But these thoughts are not concomitant as they tend to be when the gears are flying.

I think, this is the same slow-down that my father appears to experience. Corrective action must be taken!

I ordered a television from Wal-Mart and it arrived a week early.
It excites me to no end that Pepsi Throwback is actually real and not something I hallucinated one day. Kroger, according to Phillip; I'm gonna buy all they have in stock, seriously.

I really need to cave. But holy hell its underwhelming to actually set an appointment.
Work tomorrow- nine until nine. Not excited. I suspect that it's going to be extra intense, in a good way, maybe. I hope.

I've been having a lot of surreal experiences and intense dreams lately. They're hard to describe, being surreal and all.


I don't know why I feel so down in the dumps half the time even though life has been if anything coming together in an increasingly pleasing epic manner.

Need to take that shrink wrap off my statistics book one of these days- first exam is WEDNESDAY.

sun in virgo
moon in capricorn
ascendant in scorpio

calling tomorrow- let's see how this shakes out.

This has sat blank until 11:57 pm.

These racing thoughts of mine, they need to slow down long enough so I can get them on the screen.

Sometimes I feel incredibly inadequate, like I haven't accomplished much with my life so far. Other people seem to be running leaps and bounds ahead of me in several arenas of everyday life, and I feel like more often than not I'd rather just timidly dip my toe in the pool than jump in head first. It works for some people, I guess, but I suspect that the majority of people I deem more successful than I are in actuality unhappy with their lives thus far on some level, while I am more or less content. Except for that whole feeling inferior thing, of course.

I have a feeling that this is going to be an incredible spring, perhaps the best yet. Now, of course by me saying that I'm just setting myself up for failure, but life seems to not be dealing from the shit deck of cards recently, so maybe up is the only way left to go. TIME WILL TELL!

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you see someone you think you know, but they look so different you can't really tell? Well, maybe, it's that they happen to seem so eerily familiar that it just gets under my skin when they wink at me and I cannot concretely determine WHY.

I seem to find myself in situations that are increasingly not awkward. or perhaps I at least possess the knowledge/will-power/experience to make them less awkward more frequently. Still, I find myself embarrassed at how ridiculously skeptical and self-limiting I seem to continue to be. With time, young padawan, with time... a change in locations wasn't ever bad for anyone [except perhaps myself, but only when stupid food is involved..? right?]

I really need to get around to creating that website of mine. The trouble is finding a domain/DNS provider that will do my e-mail too that isn't a complete rip-off. Not really sure what I'd put on it anyways, except a real underwhelming résumé, degree programs, and some weird "jim-ness" exhibiting how ridiculous I seem to be. Don't take it personally LiveJournal, but you're way too emo and in-depth for anything approaching professional, that I would give to clients or other important people.

ONNA THESE DAYS...

It seems that nobody ever practices what they preach. People that set high standards for others rarely live up to them themselves. I mean, religion, fascists, Kierkegaard... somebody's gotta be the architect even if they're completely unsuited for what they're trying to construct (I'm super reassuring, I know).

I should really not let these things bother me like this, but I guess it's better than getting whacked out over nothing. Tho that depends on what nothing is. Oy. Quit while i'm ahead, I should.

If you believe within your heart you'll know,
that no one can change the path that you must go.
Believe what you feel, and know you're right because
the time will come around when you'll say it's yours.

Believe that you can go home, believe you can float on air
Then click your heels three times if you believe, then you'll be there
Believe in yourself, right from the start
Believe in the magic that's inside your heart
Believe all these things not because I told you to...
But believe in yourself, if you believe in yourself
Just believe in yourself as I believe in you.

Sometimes, I feel like exploding. Today is, cyclically, one of those days. I think.

To the best of my ability:

It seems that life is transitioning from epic occurrences to ones more poetic. Distinct friend-groups wax and wane through the ebbs of time, and I find myself a victim of mysticism. In a way it feels like karma-rape, but at the same time it feels decisively distinct.

I feel like these stream-of-consciousness vagities to follow are only going to end up creating more questions in my mind about the true existence of life everything, and that I'm going to wind up alienating myself into a corner, but the specifics are glaringly clear in my mind. And dwelling on those won't get me anywhere- this time, at least. I need to draw out the larger picture so I can hopefully not repeat the same mistakes or thrills again. It's time to pull out a clean sheet of tabloid form and draw up a new layout.

Of what I can recall from my time as an externally conscious being, I seem to have progressed from complete randomness to epic fulfillment. As these organic beings have faded, grown stagnant, or progressed onwards from my greenhouse of life, new seedlings have taken their place. This is not to say that my experience tending to these familiar souls has been wasted, for it will certainly continue to be of value in the future when I encounter these archetypes again for myself, but it's the same thing with anything completely new: terrifyingly thrilling. Thrilling for the invigoration of unexplored territory, the thrill of the chase- new sights to be seen, new 'highs' to be felt; terrifying for not really knowing what one is getting themselves into until it's too late- getting caught way the fuck in the moment and reading life the completely wrong way.

I'm really high strung, but thanks to previous life experiences I'm becoming increasingly competent at hiding it. My responses and actions, however, tend to contradict. I'm not fully in control of myself, it terrifies me, and I don't always know what to do with myself. When in such a time of crisis, I revert to my past methods of coping even though they can be horrifically inappropriate for the situation, and I don't realize it until the actions have been carried out or the words have come flying out of my mouth. I trend into task-mastering and emphasize quantity of decisions (so I can make more as needed) when I need to chill out, wait and see, and work on the quality of decisions, qualifications, and critique with which to base furtherly unique reasoning upon.

I cannot abandon epic. There is no way I can survive without it. It's so useful, and lets me escape the jade of my past.

With poetic, everything is literally relative, not just glaringly interdependent as epic seems to be. Epic allows for the complete outsider's excellence to transcend through a fully integrated system, even though that system may not recognize the epic being's greatness. The symbolism seems very glaring to me with epic, but I am at a complete loss for words when it comes to poetic's.

Lo! This is both everything I mean, yet nothing what I mean at all. It's not even a web that's woven, not even a woven sphere of yarn- it transcends time and human perception. I can only hope that some day I will be reunited with interstellar brethren that may explain give me the experiences allow me to transcend experience itself to really know what I long to know and get at what I'm trying to say.

It doesn't help at all that two of my rocks in mediating through the world have moved away. Sure, I can 'keep in touch' via email, text, even talking on the phone, but it just isn't the same. There is so much non-verbal everything involved with epic and poetic, it's overwhelming.


I really hope that this is a fucking awesome way to start off this semester.

I think its been a while since I've posted in this. No matter, while life continues to not be smooth sailing, it appears that the good karma I've been definitively putting out since the end of June is kicking in. I feel like you get about 10% of what one puts out as good karma back. The only thing really holding me back now is consistently putting out definitively good karma instead of my usual ambiguousness. Ah well, a feat of time it seems.

I did, however, manage to smash Esmerelda into a small blue Acura on I-96 westbound when everybody felt like stopping for no reason. But hopefully she'll be fixed soon.

I've met some new amazing people recently. They're both older than I at 27 and 33 but, things seem to only have room to go up from the present. Loving every minute of it, have to unwind that on here one of these days I reckon.

This post probably I retarded- I wrote it on my Sidekick. Oh well

I'm hungry.
I feel like I should actually update this one day. I just don't like reporting on things unless I have something definitive to report! Soon...

This has been needing an update.

My stomach hurts.

So, so far past the point of despair, I don't even know what to do with myself.
Nothing I do is ever good enough. But it's not like this is some big revelation, so I don't see what the big deal is. Maybe because I just wish it weren't true, but holy fuck.

One of these days I'd really like to win for a change. Not like 'omg winz on teh intarnetz' but like, an actual, real-life win.
Oh Rick Astley, if only you were actually there to not give up on me ever.
That'll be the day.

FUCK

I'm really tired of this hopeless thing. If it turns into despair come tomorrow I'm going to be quite pissed. I have to raise hell in the MSU Admin building too, and me in despair 'raising hell' is going to be the passivest thing ever. I haven't had a rock in so long, and I don't even know how I've survived. Just barely, I reckon, definitely not my full potential, which is sad because there is a lot. But it's just so hard to find the motivation when everything seems to beat me down. I'm hungry but my appetite does not exist, and i don't know what to make of this. Probably just anorexia but oh well. Goddamnit my life. Some days I just can't win.

If tomorrow turns into one of those days of eternal vertigo, I'm just going to crawl in a hole until peak oil. Then with everyone going insane around me, maybe I can finally find peace in my solitude.
lol. if only.

this is pretty boss:

I have to say, I was obscenely disappointed that Michael Jackson did not do the ultimate Thriller this past Halloween, but it's probably for the best. I say, the weather was pretty much perfect- just cool enough and an EPIC wind.

This paper is starting to take over my life. It's either 2 or 3 weeks late, I don't really know which, but Mark basically does not give two shits. Each time I've tried to write it about half-way through I realize "FUCK MY THESIS IS WRONG" and I have to go back and reword everything. Each time my argument(ation) gets stronger and stronger but HOLY SHIT I need to actually be able to finish it one of these days. I mean, this is an argumentative writing class- the goal is to have the strongest argument, right?
I started the outline on this one at the end of September and I still don't have anything resembling a final draft. Huh. The last time I had one like this was when I didn't read 5 of the 6 books it was on, and I still managed to get a B; it's not like I haven't been thinking about this one, the words just come out not the right way each time. It's frustrating.

So I'm finally eligible for a phone upgrade. Too bad T-Mobile/every carrier ever has nothing appealing for new phones. I want the same service for less but they only want to sell me slightly more service for slightly more. I'm really not feeling it, but I am tired of this Blackberry fuckery. Whenever I try to do anything useful on it like sync my calendar, or check my bank account, or figure out where the hell I am on Google Maps, you have to turn it off or pull the battery out. Then, five minutes later, you can send your request while Mister iPhone has already found it. Don't get me wrong, the iPhone does a lot of things well, I just cannot stand touch-screens, or at least not having real buttons, or stupid exclusivity agreements, or having to fuck all around just to do something that should be routine, like hack-up the software to get it to do things for free.
Fuck the subscription model.
I mean, basically every cellphone is a study in compromise, but I don't think I should have to compromise that much just for the vanity of a douche bagso it looks pretty. I don't know, some very narcissistic people I know rant and rave about how they didn't know what they did before having the internet on their phone, but I have to say, if I want to browse the internet, I need to actually be able to SEE what I'm supposed to be LOOKING AT, and a 3-1/2 inch screen doesn't cut it.

Of course, this is the person who feels claustrophobic when using only one monitor. But maybe that's just because I am a computer whore.

This is really bad. I've been sitting here and sitting here but HOLY HELL I have zero motivation to write an argumentative essay about consumption taxes and VAT. It's not due until 6pm tomorrow, and I could probably get an extension to Friday, but do I really want to procrastinate on it until then? No, but do I really want to write it now? Of course not. wowwww

I feel like there should be more in this post, but there isn't!

Lol. I cannot believe this.

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